Subjective vs. Objective
If there were a machine that measured the subjective experience of pain, I could hook you up to it and ask you about the worst thing that has ever happened to you and it would light up like a Christmas tree. Actually, it would likely max out the machines ability to measure! That same thing would happen if I hooked up someone else, with an entirely different experience of “the worst thing that has happened” to them…. even if their experience were objectively worse or yours was objectively worse.
So why is that?
Well, the worst thing that has happened to you is the worst thing that has happened to you. Does that mean that you didn’t suffer? No. Does it mean that the other person is not suffering? Also no.
It simply means that your personal experience with pain is what it is, regardless of the objective nature of that particular brand of pain and suffering. That is one of the reasons why it is so hard to talk about pain and suffering in the public arena. After all, we all feel what we feel… who is anyone to say otherwise?!
Well, this is where the matter of objectivity comes into play.
Let’s define the terms simply:
Objective: As seen and measured by others.
Subjective: As experienced by you.
Neither I, nor anyone else, can argue with your subjective experience. If you are a young adult looking to find someone to spend your life with, that is a very distressing time in your life. You may think that you’ll never find anyone, that time is running out, that you’ll grow old and die alone. That feels very real to you and would no doubt lead to a high amount of stress, fear, depression, and internal suffering. Yet the OBJECTIVE reality is far different. Objective reality says “yes, that’s painful. Yes it feels like a 10/10… but objectively that is about a 4-5/10.” Objectively that sits in a different area of the spectrum of suffering than, say, the Holocaust. Or being in an active combat zone. Or experiencing the death of a loved one. All of those are objectively “worse” than being young, single, and looking to settle down.
Now, that is not intended to belittle the subjective expericen. That is not intended to say “your suffering isn’t valid,” or “just suck it up, there are worse things happening in the world… so don’t feel bad.”
No. It is intended to say “That is really hard. It feels terrible to be alone when you wish to be attached and building a life with someone else. Also, there are worse things. Yes it feels as though it is the worst thing right now, but while to grieve that longing… endeavor to put it into it’s proper place.”
Your subjective experience FEELS the most real, the most intense, the most…. everything. Why? Because it is happening to you.
The reason that being vaguely aware of worse things in the world doesn’t hurt as bad is because they simply aren’t happening to you. You and I are selfish, we mortals. It’s a sad fact, but a fact none the less.
This is why in therapy… specifically in GOOD therapy, we strive to honor what it is you are feeling and help you work though it, while simultaneously awakening you to humility. By looking beyond your own suffering you shift from a place of self pity to one of openness to learn and grow from your suffering. That is not fun…. and when you are in the throws of the “feels” it even sounds profane to say it. Yet it needs to be said. By allowing ourselves to continue to wallow in the pit of self pity and misery, we feed into the delusional belief that we are alone in our experience of suffering… that we are beyond understanding and no one else has the right to address us in our suffering.
But the truth remains, there are worse things out there. There are others suffering much much more right now than you are. Worse yet, you will likely suffer more in the future than you are right now. This is why it is important to face our suffering in full now… lean into it to learn from it, while also remaining open to the suffering of others as well. In doing so we lower the chance that we become overly self absorbed, and increase the likelihood that we will actually learn from our current misfortune and find ourselves ready, willing, and able to help others both now and in the future.