Subjective vs. Objective

If there were a machine that measured the subjective experience of pain, I could hook you up to it and ask you about the worst thing that has ever happened to you and it would light up like a Christmas tree. Actually, it would likely max out the machines ability to measure! That same thing would happen if I hooked up someone else, with an entirely different experience of “the worst thing that has happened” to them…. even if their experience were objectively worse or yours was objectively worse.

So why is that?

Well, the worst thing that has happened to you is the worst thing that has happened to you. Does that mean that you didn’t suffer? No. Does it mean that the other person is not suffering? Also no.

It simply means that your personal experience with pain is what it is, regardless of the objective nature of that particular brand of pain and suffering. That is one of the reasons why it is so hard to talk about pain and suffering in the public arena. After all, we all feel what we feel… who is anyone to say otherwise?!

Well, this is where the matter of objectivity comes into play.

Let’s define the terms simply:

• Objective: As seen and measured by others.

• Subjective: As experienced by you.

Neither I, nor anyone else, can argue with your subjective experience. If you are a young adult looking to find someone to spend your life with, that is a very distressing time in your life. You may think that you’ll never find anyone, that time is running out, that you’ll grow old and die alone. That feels very real to you and would no doubt lead to a high amount of stress, fear, depression, and internal suffering. Yet the OBJECTIVE reality is far different. Objective reality says “yes, that’s painful. Yes it feels like a 10/10… but objectively that is about a 4-5/10.” Objectively that sits in a different area of the spectrum of suffering than, say, the Holocaust. Or being in an active combat zone. Or experiencing the death of a loved one. All of those are objectively “worse” than being young, single, and looking to settle down.

Now, that is not intended to belittle the subjective expericen. That is not intended to say “your suffering isn’t valid,” or “just suck it up, there are worse things happening in the world… so don’t feel bad.”

No. It is intended to say “That is really hard. It feels terrible to be alone when you wish to be attached and building a life with someone else. Also, there are worse things. Yes it feels as though it is the worst thing right now, but while to grieve that longing… endeavor to put it into it’s proper place.”

Your subjective experience FEELS the most real, the most intense, the most…. everything. Why? Because it is happening to you.

The reason that being vaguely aware of worse things in the world doesn’t hurt as bad is because they simply aren’t happening to you. You and I are selfish, we mortals. It’s a sad fact, but a fact none the less.

This is why in therapy… specifically in GOOD therapy, we strive to honor what it is you are feeling and help you work though it, while simultaneously awakening you to humility. By looking beyond your own suffering you shift from a place of self pity to one of openness to learn and grow from your suffering. That is not fun…. and when you are in the throws of the “feels” it even sounds profane to say it. Yet it needs to be said. By allowing ourselves to continue to wallow in the pit of self pity and misery, we feed into the delusional belief that we are alone in our experience of suffering… that we are beyond understanding and no one else has the right to address us in our suffering.

But the truth remains, there are worse things out there. There are others suffering much much more right now than you are. Worse yet, you will likely suffer more in the future than you are right now. This is why it is important to face our suffering in full now… lean into it to learn from it, while also remaining open to the suffering of others as well. In doing so we lower the chance that we become overly self absorbed, and increase the likelihood that we will actually learn from our current misfortune and find ourselves ready, willing, and able to help others both now and in the future.

Act as if you are your Aspirational Self.

Alfred Adler, one of the founding fathers of modern psychology & psychotherapy, famously introduced the concept of “acting as if.” In this practice he would encourage his client, often someone suffering from some sort of fear, phobia, or social dysfunction, to choose to enter into that situation voluntarily between sessions and “act as if” they were a person not bothered by that fear. His hypothesis was that, if a person acted out the role they were normally too afraid to do, through this action they would become the new, better version of themselves.

…and I can already hear the gears in your brain grinding to a halt.

Let’s simplify it a bit. I have no real evidence of this, but I would contend that Adlers “acting as if” practice is the root of the very common phrase, “fake it ‘til you make it.”

Now let me be clear, I do not believe that simply acting certain ways will yield instant, lasting, or really any change. No, instead I would say that select actions taken with purpose and intention can show us that we have the capacity to do the things we fear.

Here is where I introduce the idea of the “Aspirational Self.”

The Aspirational Self (also known as Self Concept) at it’s broadest level is the version of ourselves that exists in our mind when we think about “who we should be.” Our Aspirational Self is how we could be if we lived out all of our values consistently and perfectly. It’s idealistic. In the best of cases it calls us to transcend our lower self, muddled by the impulses of the present moment, and to become someone better. In the worst of cases our Aspirational Self is so unrealistic, or our ability to accept that we can never permanantly be that version of ourselves never actualizes that we become paralyzed by perfectionistic thinking… which leads to anxiety, negative views of ourselves, and a spiral of inaction. All of which perpetuates the belief that we are “never” going to live up to who we should be.

This is why it is important to identify our points of action and begin living out who we thing we should be, while simultaneously accepting our imperfect nature. If we move forward living as if we are this set of aspirational virtues, we will slowly move closer and closer to seeing that come to fruition. It is the very essence of continuous self improvement. If we set our target just beyond our current capability, we can strive to meet it with reasonable effort. Then, having found new found confidence, we can once again shift our target to just beyond our newfound capacity. Across time we find ourselves on an upward trajectory of improvement, all stemming from our decision to begin acting as if we are the Best Version of Ourselves.

So how does one identify their aspirational self? Below are some guiding questions to help you get started:

• What are my values? What is meaningful to me Morally, Spiritually, Practically?

• What do I want to see better in the world? How can I live that out, even if I live it out alone?

• When I think about living a balanced life, what would that look like?

• What manner of work or challenge do I find enriching or exciting?

• What makes me joyful? Righteously indignant? Moved to tears?

Too Far North is South.

I was recently listening to a podcast where one of the speakers rather flippantly threw out the phrase “too far north is south” and then proceeded to carry on with his thought as though this short phrase were nothing special; yet this phrase immediately stuck with me and moved me in a way that simple statements of truth often can.

So what does it mean? More importantly, why did I find it so compelling to put it on merchandise here in my online store?

In Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Harvey Dent says, “you either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.” This common pop culture message summarizes, in large part, the idea of Too Far North is South. The core idea of TFNiS is this: If you find issue with something and swing wildly in the opposite direction, you wind up in the same place as that which you are trying to oppose. We can see this today in our popular culture in a wide variety of contexts: Critical Race Theorists & White Supremecists no doubt hate each other vehemently, and yet the both agree on the necessity of judging peoples value by their skin color. Dogmatically Religious individuals (think the Pharisees in the Gospels) & Radically Atheistic individuals (ANTIFA, Marxists, etc.) view the world from wildly different perspectives… and yet they both wind up in a place where they are possessed by an ideology, rather than focused on living out their principles.

As a therapist I see the real life effects of this in action on a regular basis.

• A Parent was raised in a home that was overly strict and with very little freedom or grace given for mistakes. When they enter the adult world they “sow their wild oats” and run amuck. They then adopt the idea that “rules make deceitful kids,” when they have children and decide to not enforce any boundaries whatsoever… hoping their kids will not run amuck as they did. Their kids then run amuck just as bad, or worse, than they did.

• A person grows up in a spiritually unhealthy home. They view their parents as intolerant, not understanding, and fixed in rigid in their thinking. They then grow up to be a devote of cultural marxism, and become fixed and rigid in their view of the world and entirely intolerant of the world view of others.

• A adult who faced abandonment as a child and insecure attachment to his parents grows up to find themselves struggling with attachment. They act out and choose to abandon their family (“hurt them once”) rather than stay, work through their attachment wounds, and accept that they are human and will make mistakes (“hurt them over and over again.”) In doing so they then create the same sense of abaondment in their kids that they suffered growing up in a home where they were repeatedly “let down.”

The term “Full Circle” is appropriate here.

This is why I resonate so deeply with the phrase “Too Far North is South.” We must remain vigilant to not become the very thing we are setting out to avoid or defeat. We must keep an eye on the consequences of our actions to ensure that we are not deviating off course. It is far too easy to drift perpetually off course, unchecked, to only find ourselves acting exactly the same as that which we oppose: the sole difference being our internal viewpoint.

To put it more plainly still: If we swing too far in opposition our words may differ from our opponent, but our actions…and possibly even the core of our character will be the same as theirs.

So I encourage you to remain vigilant, aware, and with both hands on the wheel. It requires a great deal of effort to remain on course, and very little effort to fall into the worst sorts of evil and malice.

You Are What You Think

My momma always used to say, “you are what you eat,” and I’m sure your mom said the very same thing. From a health standpoint there is some general truth to that, if you eat really unhealthy foods it is safe to assume you are going to be unhealthy. Well the same holds true for what we think.

Earlier this week I wrote about “doubt labels,” which can be simply defined as the negative beliefs I hold about myself or the names/adjectives I use to refer to myself when I’m under stress. At the bottom of this post I will provide a list of some of the most common doubt labels, but in the mean time just think about the last time something bad happened… maybe you overslept, maybe you forgot an appointment, maybe you had a conflict with you significant other. In those moments what did you say to yourself, about yourself? Those are doubt labels.

So how do Doubt Labels have an impact on your life?

First, let’s consult this diagram:

Shaping Experiences

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Doubt Labels

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Assumptions (Others, God, Future)

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Activating event-> Automatic Thought-> Consequences (Emotion, Physiological, Behavior)

This diagram show us how our deepest held beliefs have a trickle down effect to our daily life. How? For today let’s look at how my beliefs about myself lead to negative beliefs about others, God, and the Future.

Let’s assume you grew up in a home where you were not heard. You would try to share about some of the struggles you had at school with peers or teachers, but that was met with “Well those aren’t real problems, let me tell you about my day and ‘real problems…’” from a parent.

Message received: My problems aren’t real problems. My problems don’t matter.

What doubt label might be developed as a result of this experience, especially if it happens repetitively?

Doubt Label formed: “I don’t matter.”

Well, that in and of itself could create emotional and mental health issues down the line if left untreated… but the thought does not just stop there. Likely you hold onto that thought and it is just always there underneath the surface “I don’t matter. My problems aren’t real problems. People don’t want to hear about my problems. Other people have bigger problems than me.”

On and on it goes, and slowly, we begin to form assumptions about other people:

“If I share my problems with other people, they won’t want to be around me. If I keep my problems to myself, people will want to be around me.”  Or maybe “If I share my opinion with other people, it will make them upset. If I keep my opinions to myself, they will be happy.”

Then across time that begins to negatively impact my assumptions about God: “Other people have it worse than me, God doesn’t want to hear about my problems. God only wants to hear about the good things in my life, if I talk about the bad things He will be angry or upset with me.”

And then as these continue to unfold my assumptions about the future begin to shift:

“My problems have never mattered and they never will, I should just accept that no one will ever be there for me.” Or maybe, “My problems have never mattered, and I have never mattered… that’s probably never going to change, I should just give up on life.”

How might those negative beliefs, simmering beneath the surface, impact you daily?

If someone asks you how you are (activating event), you are likely to think “they don’t really want to know” (Automatic thought), so you Feel distrusting, sad, and maybe a little angry (Emotional Consequences), Your Body responds by getting a sinking feeling in your stomach, your shoulders hunch, and you feel a tightness and your chest and feel like crying (physiological consequences), and so you lie and say “I’m doing fine, how about you?” (Behavioral Consequences). All of which reinforces the idea that your problems don’t matter, people don’t really care, and it’s never going to change.

Sounds rather depressing huh? Maybe that hits really close to home.

If it does, I am truly sorry. Just know that I and other mental health professionals are here to help you work through it.

What I’ve laid out above is the very very basic structure of Cognitive Behavioral therapy. I would encourage you to read up a little more, check out my podcast on the topic, and if you feel you’re in over you head… call my office or a therapist in your area to book an appointment and start sorting these things out!

Because you do matter, God loves you, and It does not have to be this way forever.

Are You Holding Yourself Back?

Researchers estimate that we have 70,000 thoughts per day. 45,000 of those thoughts are repetitive. Only about 7,000 of those thoughts are conscious ones, which means that 90% of the thoughts you experience are running in the background of your mind… and you are likely totally unaware of them or the impact they have on your daily life.

So why might that be a problem?

Well, thoughts are the precursor to action, and if your thoughts are pointing your metaphorical car towards a ditch…. it’s going to be quite hard to course correct, especially if you’re already in the ditch!

Bringing unconscious thought to our consciousness is one of the most important aspects of cognitive behavioral therapy. After all, if there are multiple mental  factors pointing you in the wrong direction every day, you cannot expect to then go in the right direction for too long if they remain unaddressed. So now you may be wondering “how do i know what these thoughts are?” Well it’s try this simple exercise and see if you can uncover at least one or two of them.

Step 1: Reflect back on the last time you were really stressed out or upset? (Bonus points if you know the reason you were stressed out was yourself)

Example: “I was really upset this morning when i woke up and realized I had snoozed my alarm this morning and now i’ve overslept by nearly 45 minutes!”

Step 2: What names did you call yourself or what adjectives did you use to describe yourself in that moment?

Example: “I’m such an idiot! What is wrong with me? Why am i so lazy and can’t get out of bed in the morning?! I’ve completely screwed up my day and now it’s going to be a disaster.”

(Names: idiot, lazy, screw up, I am the thing that’s wrong/messed up )

Step 3: You’ve just identified several “doubt labels.” Now reflect on those… how often do you call yourself those names? How often to you think them and leave them unchecked or uncorrected? How do you feel when you think those things? How would you feel if you said them out loud? How would you feel if someone said them out loud to you? How would you feel if someone said those things, out loud, to you as a child under the age of 5?

You’ve now connected an emotional response to the unchecked doubt labels that are running in the background? Does that emotional response track with how you generally feel?

Example: “I feel hurt, angry, and defeated when I think those things (or imagine them said to me as a young child)… and generally when I encounter stress I shut down, get defensive, and sometimes even lash out at those around me”

Step 4: Now let’s reframe that thought so that it aligns more with reality. You see, the problem with doubt labels is they are true… in specific situations and contexts, and when they are attributed solely to those contexts they do not elicit a disproportionately negative emotional response. It is only when we take these doubt labels out of context and attribute them broadly and systematically that we run into trouble. So, in the act of reframing we are acknowledging the context in which it is true, while also acknowledging (and laying out evidence) that it is not ENTIRELY true.

Example: “Instead of the original thought ‘I’m such an idiot? What’s wrong with me? I’ve completely screwed up my day and now it’s going to be a disaster,’ I choose to say ‘It’s unfortunate that I overslept, and yes… it was hard to get out of bed this morning (it was very cold outside and my bed was warm and comfy), and yes my being behind this morning is going to make things more stressful to start my day, BUT I also recognize that once I get to work I can reset and the rest of my day can go well. I also will get in bed a little sooner tonight to make sure I have a good nights sleep and wake up tomorrow morning refreshed… and I’ll set 2 alarms, just to make sure I get up on time.”

You will notice that the reframed thought is much longer, much more complex, and very emotionally “vanilla.” No, it doesn’t give you any strong surge of emotion… but that isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes things just happen.

Now how might these thoughts be holding you back?

Well, often times these doubt labels are quite pervasive. They show up everywhere in our lives and seem to repeat themselves (thought the contexts, people, places, things, situations all change). If we can work to challenge these doubt labels and work to reframe them to something balanced, we will find that our emotional responses to things will be more accurate to the context and we may have a much lower propensity for disproportionate reactions to things that we encounter in our lives.

Your Job is Not Insignificant

As we have been snowed in this week I cannot help be reminded of the simple fact that no service job is useless. The nihilistic philosophy of the day demeans service jobs and seeks to rob those workers of their sense of dignity and purpose.

“Oh you just work at Kroger.”

“You’re just a fast food worker.”

“You’re just a delivery person.”

“You only work at Amazon sorting boxes.”

Each of these jobs are essential and important in their own right. If no one went to work at the grocery store, I could not have bought food for my family. If the fast food workers didn’t go to work, you might not be able to get food if you’re traveling to see a loved one. If the folks at amazon, Postal Service, and UPS didn’t go to work, you might not be able to get those vital necessities, medications, or supplies that you need.

No job is beneath respect.

I believe it’s time we work to rebuild our sense of pride in our work.

This begins with you becoming mindful of using the words “Just” or “Only” as descriptors for the job that you do or the tasks laid before you in a given day. If you catch yourself using those words simply stop, take a breath, and restate that phrase… but this time leave out the offending words.

For example:

“Why am I going to work today? I just work at a grocery store.” STOP. Breathe in, Breathe out. Reframe: “I work at a grocery store. My job helps people feed themselves and their families.”

Do not undermine the significance of the work that you do and the service that you provide, least of all to yourself.