Are You Holding Yourself Back?

Researchers estimate that we have 70,000 thoughts per day. 45,000 of those thoughts are repetitive. Only about 7,000 of those thoughts are conscious ones, which means that 90% of the thoughts you experience are running in the background of your mind… and you are likely totally unaware of them or the impact they have on your daily life.

So why might that be a problem?

Well, thoughts are the precursor to action, and if your thoughts are pointing your metaphorical car towards a ditch…. it’s going to be quite hard to course correct, especially if you’re already in the ditch!

Bringing unconscious thought to our consciousness is one of the most important aspects of cognitive behavioral therapy. After all, if there are multiple mental  factors pointing you in the wrong direction every day, you cannot expect to then go in the right direction for too long if they remain unaddressed. So now you may be wondering “how do i know what these thoughts are?” Well it’s try this simple exercise and see if you can uncover at least one or two of them.

Step 1: Reflect back on the last time you were really stressed out or upset? (Bonus points if you know the reason you were stressed out was yourself)

Example: “I was really upset this morning when i woke up and realized I had snoozed my alarm this morning and now i’ve overslept by nearly 45 minutes!”

Step 2: What names did you call yourself or what adjectives did you use to describe yourself in that moment?

Example: “I’m such an idiot! What is wrong with me? Why am i so lazy and can’t get out of bed in the morning?! I’ve completely screwed up my day and now it’s going to be a disaster.”

(Names: idiot, lazy, screw up, I am the thing that’s wrong/messed up )

Step 3: You’ve just identified several “doubt labels.” Now reflect on those… how often do you call yourself those names? How often to you think them and leave them unchecked or uncorrected? How do you feel when you think those things? How would you feel if you said them out loud? How would you feel if someone said them out loud to you? How would you feel if someone said those things, out loud, to you as a child under the age of 5?

You’ve now connected an emotional response to the unchecked doubt labels that are running in the background? Does that emotional response track with how you generally feel?

Example: “I feel hurt, angry, and defeated when I think those things (or imagine them said to me as a young child)… and generally when I encounter stress I shut down, get defensive, and sometimes even lash out at those around me”

Step 4: Now let’s reframe that thought so that it aligns more with reality. You see, the problem with doubt labels is they are true… in specific situations and contexts, and when they are attributed solely to those contexts they do not elicit a disproportionately negative emotional response. It is only when we take these doubt labels out of context and attribute them broadly and systematically that we run into trouble. So, in the act of reframing we are acknowledging the context in which it is true, while also acknowledging (and laying out evidence) that it is not ENTIRELY true.

Example: “Instead of the original thought ‘I’m such an idiot? What’s wrong with me? I’ve completely screwed up my day and now it’s going to be a disaster,’ I choose to say ‘It’s unfortunate that I overslept, and yes… it was hard to get out of bed this morning (it was very cold outside and my bed was warm and comfy), and yes my being behind this morning is going to make things more stressful to start my day, BUT I also recognize that once I get to work I can reset and the rest of my day can go well. I also will get in bed a little sooner tonight to make sure I have a good nights sleep and wake up tomorrow morning refreshed… and I’ll set 2 alarms, just to make sure I get up on time.”

You will notice that the reframed thought is much longer, much more complex, and very emotionally “vanilla.” No, it doesn’t give you any strong surge of emotion… but that isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes things just happen.

Now how might these thoughts be holding you back?

Well, often times these doubt labels are quite pervasive. They show up everywhere in our lives and seem to repeat themselves (thought the contexts, people, places, things, situations all change). If we can work to challenge these doubt labels and work to reframe them to something balanced, we will find that our emotional responses to things will be more accurate to the context and we may have a much lower propensity for disproportionate reactions to things that we encounter in our lives.